From jswan@netcom.com Tue Jul 26 16:23:52 PDT 1994 :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) Lurkers, gather 'round! Ever gazed in moist-lipped rapture at the doings of .net humorists? Wondering if you'll ever get your shot at the big leagues, get your turn at bat? Are you grasping furiously for that brass ring, but winding up with air and carpal tunnel? Well, lust no more! Move on UP to the East Side! For the first time, it can be told: THE SECRETS OF .NET HUMOR! NOTE: For maximum chuckles, use these handy .NET HUMOR NUGGETS in the following hierarchies ONLY: rec. soc. misc. alt. :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) .NET HUMOR NUGGET #1: Gather a funny verb, a funny noun, and a funny name from the list below. Don't be shy! String them together in sentences as long as you can. Remember, the longer the sentence, the FUNNIER IT IS! --------------- FUNNY WORD LIST --------------- FUNNY VERBS FUNNY NOUNS FUNNY NAMES assassinate penguin Regis Philbin excoriate aardvark Hulk Hogan felch chiropodist Wallace Shawn trepan wombat Arnold Horshack stroke kelp Calvert DeForest barf cookie Denny Dillon blow peccary Lieutenant Steve EXAMPLE #1: "The other day, I assassinated Wallace Shawn with a bag of kelp!" EXAMPLE #2: "Today I excoriated my aardvark, with the help of Regis Philbin, while my trepanated chiropodist looked on!" ADVANCED NOTE: Don't be afraid to turn those verbs into adjectives! .net humorists don't let convention drag them down. Why should you? :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) .NET HUMOR NUGGET #2: The .sig's the thing! Remember, it's the last thing they'll see when your message fades from their screen! First rule of .sigs: the Bigger the Better! Nothing succeeds like excess! Ever seen Kibo's giant .sig? Rumor has it it was constructed from the .sigs of those Kibo killed, in the early days of the Net. Electronic scalps! Wow, what a concept!! Sorry, no samples! Do your homework! Besides, what happens if I make a real KUEL .sig, and you just steal it? Unh-unh. I ain't doing THAT cheese. :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) .NET HUMOR NUGGET #3: Smileys, smileys, smileys! Nothing goes as far to prove you're a humorous guy or gal than smileys -- and lots of 'em! SMILEYS (help yourself): ------------------------ :*) No nose! Flesh-eating virus here! |-( Dick Sargent, Kurt Cobain, Bill Bixby, et. al. |( Herve Villechaize :-() O.J. Simpson *|-( Nicole Simpson EXAMPLE: Notice how the following sentence is enhanced by liberal smileys: You:-) never:-):-) can:-):-):-) have :-)too:-):-) many:-) :-):-):-) smileys:-):-):-)!!:-)!:-):-):-):-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) .NET HUMOR NUGGET #4: The subtleties. No Net missive would be the same without 'em. Often they go overlooked -- but if they go overlooked, you're next! ----------------------- SOME IMPORTANT PHRASES: ----------------------- But seriously, [snip] Flame mode off [climbing down off soapbox] Just my .02 cents IMHO This is a test :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) .NET HUMOR NUGGET #5: The Reference Game! No reference too obscure! Glimpse the astonishing beauty of a well-handled bouquet of references: Kim Richards, while drinking Aspen, said, "Man, you'd never get me in a school with Charlotte Rae! Last time I heard that one, I fell of my dinosaur and broke my wooden underwear! I'd rather be on a seaplane with Dack Rambo and Richard Jaeckel! Speaking of, 'My name is Box! I must freeze you!'" ================================================================= Identify 'em all? Here's a handy guide: ================================================================= Kim Richards: Plucky star of TV's "Nanny and the Professor", and the big screen's "Tuff Turf" Aspen: Now defunct apple soda "school with Charlotte Rae" Blatant reference to "The Facts of Life", a TV show starring Miss Rae, Lisa Whelchel, Kim Fields, and more. Originally featured a bloated cast, including Julie Piekarski (co- mouseketeer with Whelchel), Felice Schachter (raven-haired teen male's dream girl), and Molly Ringwald, whose credits are too numerous to list in this small space. "Last time... underwear" Old sarcastic riposte, dating back to 1974 or before seaplane Too obvious Dack Rambo Late TV star, often featured on that Saturday night TV show with the seaplane Richard Jaeckel Underrated actor. "My name is..." Misquote from Logan's Run, which featured Jaeckel. Notice the deft use of links -- a potent weapon in the hands of any successful .net humorist! And, shows you have a familiarity with WWW concepts! ***************************************************************** OINK OINK! you say? I hogged 'em all? No good ones left?? Well, here's a fresh batch of nice obscure References, chosen JUST for YOU! Meri Wilson Marriage Encounter OXO The Rod Stewart Rumor (c. 1977) "Love Is A Battlefield" Bailey Quarters "Fox On The Run" Mr. Roper's Once-A-Show Burn Pop rocks Sen-sen U.F.O. Major Matt Mason The Ghost And Mrs. Muir Kimba, the White Lion Donald Hollinger Biofeedback EBN-OZN Bazooka Joe comics Wallabees The Immortals Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh DeBarge Zachary All The Girl, the Gold Watch, Linda Purl and Everything One Day At A Time Carol Lynley :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) .NET HUMOR NUGGET #6: A funny ANGLE! Stand up on that desk and view the world from a different perspective -- a FUNNY PERSPECTIVE! This oft used technique reveals not only how encyclopedic your knowledge is, but how you can use that vast smartitude of yours for highly comedic purposes. ------------ Exercise #1: ------------ SUBJECT OF POST: Comet hitting Jupiter FUNNY ANGLE: Comet cleanser! EXAMPLE: "Well, I don't know about this comet hitting Jupiter. I don't think Josephine the Plumber would like that one bit! And I really doubt that that dirty old planet's going to be squeaky clean afterward! :-) " ********>>But hey -- DON'T STOP THERE!!<<************ ------------ Exercise #2: ------------ SUBJECT OF POST: Jupiter + Comet cleanser FUNNY ANGLE: Mythology! EXAMPLE: "You know, come to think of it, I don't think Hera would like it either! She had enough of a problem cleaning up after Jupiter when he changed into a bull and left turds all over Olympus! Bad enough with Io hanging around erupting all over the place! Maybe Hercules could get some Ajax and clean up! Gotta be easier than the Augean stables! :-) :-)" ------------------------- Exercise #3 (on your own) ------------------------- SUBJECT OF POST: Jupiter + Comet cleanser + Mythology FUNNY ANGLE: 2001 -- A Space Odyssey!! EXAMPLE: ????????????????????????? You can go on forever. Some do. But be careful -- you may get so funny that you'll need a special license from the FBI! :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) .NET HUMOR NUGGET #7: Leave no stone unturned in your quest for laffs -- not even the DISCLAIMER stone! Sure, your boss, that big dummy, makes you put 'em on, but that doesn't mean you can't spice 'em up a bit, does it? HECK NO, JOE BLOW! BEFORE: The above post does not reflect the opinions of IBM or any of its affiliates. AFTER: The above post does not reflect the opinions of IBM, Bill Gates, Bill Clinton, or Barney, but is the sole mental property of me! Mine, all mine! I'm rich, I'm a happy miser! And you can't have my opinions! Get your own, I tell you. :P :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) Mix and match! Trade 'em with your friends. Screw Pogs and Slammers -- this is where the REAL ACTION IS! Believe me, once you sprinkle your posts with these many Nuggets O' Humor, the Net will never be the same! BEEP BEEP! Watch out, Information Highway, here I come on the onramp! BEEP BEEP! :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) --Jeff ***>jswan@netcom.com