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From: andsol@cml.rice.edu (Andrew Solberg)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Righteous!
Date: 1 May 1995 18:02:47 -0500
Message-ID: <199505012302.SAA20864@cml.rice.edu>

Once upon a time there was a little boy named Jorge -- an irritating
little pustule of a lad, living in the foothills of Paraguay.  This is
his story, although it might be your story as well.

Jorge was a pest and a bully, and everybody viewed him with the same
general regard reserved for lunatics, vagabonds and the provice tax
collector.  Jorge stole pies and smashed windows; he slashed tires and
kicked sheep.  His favorite pastime was urinating in the village well;
his chief aspiration was to be feared by every dog in Creation.  And
so it was that very little weeping took place when, one starry night,
Jorge was inexplicably crushed by a falling dirigible.

Buddha reviewed Jorge's life critically, arching one eyebrow at some of
the more colorful moments.  "Jorge, you yutz," proclaimed The Enlightened
One, "You have been the most useless excuse for a human being in a long,
long time.  No way are you coming back as a person.  You're not even
coming back as a mammal.  You, dickweed, shall be a miserable, lowly
bug.  Beat it."  And, by the words of Buddha, it was Made To Be So.

And so Jorge returned to the world in the form of a bug.  But was he
some weak, simpering bug? hell, no.  Jorge was now one BAD-ASS COCK-SUCKER
of a bug, covered with hideous barbs and stingers and glands that could
propel a steamingly venemous jet of ichor up to five meters to incapacitate
small birds and shit like that.  Jorge was now .3 ounces of whirring, 
buzzing DEATH, and he goddamned well LIKED IT.

Determined to make the most of his new existence, Jorge went on an
insectile rampage of havoc and destruction.  Swiftly depleting the 
countryside of frogs and lizards, Jorge made great inroads in the
irritation of the local llama population.  Children learned to run
screaming from the darting crimson form.  Even the coffee been crop
was not safe from Jorge's depradations; he chewed the shoots into a 
paste and spun threads from the mulch with which to enwrap and protect
his clutch of noisome eggs.  His reign of terror ended as abruptly as
it began; on his way to disrupt an outdoor wedding, he was sucked into
the intake of a LearJet.  

"Aw, FUCK," said Buddha over Jorge's mangled corpse.  "You were a 
complete asshole again, so there's no way I can reward you for your
actions in this life....but you acted consistently with bugginess, so
I really can't fault you either."  Buddha scratched his head-stubble.
"What am I going to do with you?"

Eventually Buddha sent Jorge back to be a bug again, and there he stayed
for the rest of his incarnations: a really nasty, heinous bug, but a 
damned effective one.  It wasn't Buddha's idea of a great solution, but
it was the best he could come up with, and you don't learn nuclear 
physics sitting under a goddamn fig tree.

Let this be a lesson to you: if you think acting piously and ethical 
will get you places in the Karmic slipstream, think again.  Every soul
has its equilibrium position in the tapestry of life -- a place toward
which, like it or no, you will eventually slip -- and anybody who thinks
we're all going to wind up standing around being jolly and enlightened
and singing psalms like some gigantic fucking Osmond family reunion
should give serious thought to standing squarely in front of an Olympic
shot-putter during practice.  Because the meek won't inherit *shit*;
they'll grow meeker and meeker until eventually they're just these
sock-puppets going "Meek-meek! meek!!" while the schweinhunds are going
to slowly take this and grab that, and before you know it they'll be some
life-form that exists only to have their cock buried SO DEEPLY up your ass
that their glans peeks up out of the top of your head like a Nazi
stormtrooper lurking in ambush.

Don't be nice.  Fuck 'nice'.  Be an asshole.  Nobody will love you, but
they'll be playing sad fucking piano when, a few broken rungs down the
Karmic ladder, you own their weenie asses.

RIGHTEOUS!

-- 
HWRNMNBSOL = Andrew J. Solberg, Visiting Prof. at Rice U. from U. of Oslo